Remember Alice?

Hello? Is there anybody there? 

Between two writing classes and the buzz of everyday life, my poor blog has taken a way, way back seat! So, after my first free weekend in about three years it seems, I thought I'd touch base with my small group of followers! (Hi Mom.)

I spent much of the weekend, getting reacquainted with my house. I.e., peeling back the layers of grime to make it not so disgusting. It was practically a Herculean effort because no one does much cleaning around here. And I really suck at making my kids accountable for anything. (I believe they call this working mother's guilt.)  Since I've been reading Gail Collin's When Everything Changed–a book about the women's movement, I'm really consumed with the fair division of household duties. But since Doug is working until midnight every night this time of the year, I guess it's my turn. Ugh.

If you have ever felt badly about your sense of domesticity, consider this:

• My kids' sheets hadn't been washed in such a long time, I couldn't even find them. Apparently, neither of them realized they existed. I found both of their top sheets, and a pillow case, under each of their beds. I hope they appreciate their new, freshly laundered bed clothes.
• I cleaned two piles of dog shit and one one mound of cat puke in the garage. To avoid puking, I simply didn't breath for about five minutes.
• I'm pretty sure I vacuumed up a snake. Or maybe it was a long dead worm. Something possessed me to lift the chaise–only to find one of our animal's treasures. It had to be the evil little cat.
• I started doing laundry on Friday night. It's Sunday, at 9:30, and even with the extra hour, I'm still doing laundry. There will still be at least three loads left to do when I go to bed tonight. At least, I'm proud to say, everyone in the house will have socks and underwear tomorrow morning.

I didn't finish a bunch of other "chores." The kitchen floor. The toilets.The intricate dusting of my fake ficus tree. After some serious consideration, I've come to one conclusion: I need an Alice–like on the Brady Bunch! This way, I can free up my time to pursue worthy endeavors like watching more movies with my family, writing more short stories that probably won't get published and, of course, playing with the pets.

Taking applications immediately.