Happily Ever After

A few weeks before we were married my mother said something to me I won't ever forget. "Doug is a great guy. But you need to understand that no matter how much you love him, marriage is hard." I smiled and thought to myself, "Sure. Maybe for most people, but they don't know us!"

I don't have to tell any of you who have been married longer than a year, that my mother was right. Marriage is hard. (Imagine the courage of my husband who decided to do it twice!) But after nearly 23 years of wedded bliss and more stretches of empty-nest-edness, I'm happy to report we are really starting to get the hang of this marriage thing. With a bit of thought, I've determined that there are three distinct challenges in marriages to conquer: career, children and domesticity.

Career:

I was studying for my MBA when Doug and I met, so he knew I was going to be a career woman. I'm pretty sure that was part of the attraction–someone who was driven with a goal. He was also driven with a goal. We both fervidly agreed that we each needed to be happy in our own professional lives before we could be happy with each other. I still believe this to be true. But there was a slight problem with how each of us interpreted this belief. Doug and I both threw ourselves into careers without any real thought of supporting each other. I had to learn that he would simply be absent during the fall and spring. He had to learn that I might be gone at times as well for work–even traveling overnight. It took a while for both of us to really understand how we needed to support each other. And now? I will stomp through cow manure with him to fix fence. And he will attend a work event without bitching...as long as there is beer of course. But that goes without saying.

Children:

Who would've thought the thing that reflects your closeness as a couple could cause so much discord? For the year following Alex's birth, I was questioning how much I really liked Doug. (I knew I loved him, but liking was difficult–even with his ability to make me laugh.) Obviously, he loved the cute little baby, but he seemed to think of her as more of a pet than a responsibility. There were town-team basketball games to play, bars to keep open. One time, Doug and his friend, Pat, went golfing as their wives stayed home with the babies. The weather began to shift and tornado warnings were issued. It was upsetting. I was scared and wanted my husband to be home with us. So, I called Doug and said something to the effect, "It's really bad outside. You might want to watch the weather before you come home." What I really was saying: "GET HOME RIGHT NOW! YOUR WIFE IS NERVOUS AS SHE'S CLUTCHING THE BABY IN THE BASEMENT!" As it turned out, Doug hung up the phone, turned to Pat and said, "Hey! Stef says the weather is bad and not to come home right now." Thus, another late night ensued with a touchy morning in the Kramer household.

By the time child #2 came around, things had changed considerably. There was an understanding
that both of us had to raise the kids. Of course, it helped that Doug was getting too old to play basketball. And since #2 was a boy, there would be baseball lessons to teach. All kidding aside, we did began to understand each other's parenting strengths and we play to them the best we can. I happen to be the more nurturing type and do things like cut the kids' meat. Doug is more practical and knows that it's his job to teach the kids how to cut their own meat. The partnership has worked pretty well.

While raising kids certainly has had its challenges to our marriage, at least we have been committed to do the right thing for our kids' sake. Mistakes? For sure. But at least we've become a united front in this area. This means that the biggest challenge to our marriage has been...domesticity.

Domesticity:

In my opinion, there are three legs to this domestic aspect of marriage: cooking, household projects, and the horrible chore of cleaning.

I remember being quite proud of my young husband, many years ago, when someone asked him, "How can you stand your wife getting home so late from work? Don't you want supper made for you by then?" My very-evolved farm boy responded, "I don't expect her to cook for me. She works hard too." What a guy. But I'm not sure he completely adopted this philosophy, until recently. The "What's for supper?" mentality was too far engrained in his soul.While he didn't think it was right for me to do all of the cooking, he really didn't want to do it either. So for many years, we ate out a lot. Then, one day, we began to watch the Food Network. It honestly changed our lives and gave a boost to our marriage. We BOTH began to experiment in the kitchen with foods and flavors. Together, we found the joy and reward of making a savory meal. Now cooking isn't a chore for us. It's bonding time. Thank you, Bobby Flay!

I ran with this Food Network idea and began flipping the channel to HGTV. Sneaky, huh? Sneaky, maybe. But effective. As Doug and I would watch episodes of Fixer Upper, we began to get ideas for the house. Most recently, we've installed a limestone border, created a berm for our front flower bed, built a brick border for the fire pit, and have lots of ideas for new projects–much of them involve repurposing stuff from the old farmhouse for our current residence. I still can't believe how crafty we've become. Of course, I am much more of a director and Doug is very much the brawn. No matter, it works. Thank you Chip and Joanna Gaines!

PROJECT LIMESTONE. CHECK!

As for cleaning? We really don't have a great and fair system for this. Honestly, we both bicker about it a bit...mainly, because we both really hate to clean. But I have faith that very soon there will a new channel to inspire us to dust and vacuum more. In the meantime, we'll continue this marriage adventure by finding more and different ways to bond. Hey...I got an idea! Travel. We have yet to become addicted to The Travel Channel. No worries, Doug is great with the remote.

Headstart...in Chicago.

The Interesting Thing About Candor

Candor.

This topic has been consuming me lately. Honesty is a virtue, right? So, how do we differentiate between telling someone the truth and being an asshole? I think the answer lies somewhere in the marsh.

I most recently read a Young Adult book called Mockingbird by Katherine Erskine, told from the point of view of a fifth grade girl with Asperger’s syndrome. It was really quite a good read, revealing the challenges of the disorder for people who haven’t quite figured out to filter appropriate comments and, as it seems, must learn empathy. As I read, I wondered how one is diagnosed since there are some people in the world, without Asperger's, that prefer to be bold in their talk, unrelenting or unfeeling of the consequences of their words. I think you know the type. You might’ve flinched a time or two in his or her presence. Sometimes, though, just sometimes, you might've smiled to yourself and thought, "Finally! Someone was brave enough to say it." 

I have not studied (aka, done a google search) to see if there is a correlation between candor and gender. In our household, I can't say there's a trend. My daughter is pretty straight-forward...much like her father who definitely calls a spade a spade. The jury is out on the eleven-year old boy. As for me, I like to be honest. Yet, I absolutely hate hurting feelings. So, please don't ever ask me to try any of your coconut dessert. It will send me into turmoil because I hate coconut, but I'd love to tell you how delicious it is since you seem so proud.

The other night when we crawled into bed, I remarked with delight, "Ooh! I love the smell of clean sheets!"

My hubby flatly responded, "Wash them more often then."

Thanks for the wise advice, Hon. Of course, my thoughts immediately roamed into a discursive about the fair division of household chores. But I decided it best not to go there, because it had been a nice weekend. And truly, I think Doug was just trying to be helpful. Then, almost within the next thirty seconds, before we kissed each other goodnight, my love sweetly said to me...

"I'm sorry about your face."

This made me laugh out loud. I had been going through a rough patch of dry skin, and apparently it was duly noted. I guess it was nice of him to empathize.

My husband is honest. Brutally honest. And I appreciate the fact that he tells me if something looks ridiculous in the morning. (Although sometimes I suspect an ulterior motive when I find myself changing a number of times while he judges.) Candor can by ticklish, of course, with a teenage daughter. Of course, approaching any topic with a teenager is ticklish; it actually can be downright...messy if you're prone to pronouncing judgement.

To be fair, my husband says I can be fairly abrupt with him. He often asks me after we are quarreling about some spreadsheet on his PC, "Do you talk this way to your staff at work?" Of course, I say no. I would never be this impatient with them. It would make for horrible working relationships. But surprisingly, we have a pretty great marriage.

Married 18 years!

I think we all use candor on a spectrum for a variety of occasions. In terms of staying outside of the marsh of candor, I love the fact that there is one person in the world that I can completely and openly be myself with. Even though he doesn't always appreciate it, he gets to live with me for better or worse...and that is my husband. What I find interesting is that he manages to stay out of the marsh with just about everyone in his sphere of influence. But that's just his style. So if he tells you he's sorry about your face, at least you'll know, he likes you.

I Won't Back Down

See this lovely grouping of lilies? My husband thinks it's necessary to hide their beauty behind a rusted 1990 Chevy pickup, a four-wheeler and a lawn mower. Apparently, our garage isn't big enough...although we have an entire farm less than a 1/2 a mile away with plenty o' storage...

"No one comes here anyway!" he declares.

"Are you kidding? What about the mailman, the Schwann's man, the UPS guy...and Lois was just here the other night?" I artfully respond.

So, there it is. The argument of the ages. Aesthetics versus practicality. It's why we spent $4000 on the backyard. There's no way I would allow the grill to sit in front of our house. But since we couldn't beat the wind and keep the grill standing on the backyard deck, we had a very expensive brick retaining wall built next to the deck. It's really pretty, and functional too!

Well, I think I've won this one. I haven't seen the old Chevy all day...I think the lilies got to him...

And look at these Gerbers! They finally bloomed again. Just as we go on vacation. Maybe I should move them near the mailbox for our visitors to enjoy.

A Man's Man

I love my hubby. He's a real man's man. He likes meat, sports, beer, blood-n-guts movies, girls in bikinis, motorcycles, gadgets, and any war segment on the History Channel.

Guided by a strong sense of right and wrong, he greatly amuses his girly-girl wife. For example, today. On our way home from a biddy ball game (another blog in itself), Doug receives a call from an old high school buddy who wants to see if a few of the guys can get together tonight. Being the thoughtful person he is, he invited the guys to come over to our house and drink some beer. Good idea, Honey. We built an open floor plan in our cozy 1700 square foot house, which allows voices, especially drinking voices, to carry throughout. Doug's theory: I would prefer to have his drinking buddies at our house, so I could be closer to him.

"Hon, are you sure they just want to sit around our house? Wouldn't you rather all go to the bar?" I ask sincerely.

He's pauses, sensing a trap. "Well, probably. But would you be mad?"

"No,that's okay. You go have fun." My martyrdom will easily grant me a trip to the theatre to view a romantic comedy.

He seems a bit relieved, then asks, "What's my curfew?"

I ponder a bit. "Not sure. How about I call you if you're not home at a reasonable time?"

(Deep down, I know this won't work. Do you know there are no bars in this area with any cell phone reception? NONE! But I'm trying to instill in him the sense to come home at a decent time so I can sleep peacefully.)

The conversation becomes interrupted as soon as his remote discovers the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Then two of the Jims show up to have a few beers, before they all leave...to have a few beers.

Here's the amusing part of the bit...as Jim, Jim and Doug are sitting around chatting and drinking, he's promoting my book to his buddies. Rubigunda. The book which revolves around the theme of motherhood and girl connections. It's sweet and makes me smile. That's my man's man.

But never fear...now their conversation has moved on to snipers and high-powered rifles.