#momconversation with Joan Gubbels: straight talk on depression

One of the great rewards of being employed for a family-focused organization in a tight-knit community are the friendships developed on the job. I work in the Finance/Operations area of the Shelby County State Bank with Joan Gubbels who happens to be a double cousin of my husband–like I said, a tight-knit community! We work closely together on many projects and it’s sometimes eerily similar to working with my husband–if he would have any affinity for accounting, that is. Needless to say, Joan and I have plenty of laughs together almost on a daily basis. 

Last summer Joan experienced a personal crisis. She had a nervous breakdown which shocked everyone who knows the cheery and fun-loving person that she is. Joan has been very open about her struggles with depressions with the intention of helping others. By making more people aware of the affliction, she hopes to erase the stigma of the disease.

Here's Joan.

Quick bio (family, current job, where from):  Wife and mother.  Husband – Joe Kids, Jack – 19 Jace – 12 almost 13.  Cashier at SCSB.  Originally from outside Portsmouth but currently live on an acreage near Harlan.

  

Favorite family tradition:  Going to the lake to boat, wave run, fish, camp and make TONS of food.  As well as spending time with our lake family in Lake View.

  

Funniest kid story of late:  When my son was about 5-6 years old, I walked in to his room.  He kept knocking his private thing down.  I asked him what was wrong and he said. ‘IT WON’T STAY DOWN!’  I could hardly keep my laughter in and I said to quit doing that and it would quit standing up.  Then I left his bedroom and laughed a long time.

  

Most surprising lesson you’ve learned about being a mother:  IT is very hard to understand them and you HAVE to pick your battles about what is REALLY important.

  

Opinion on work/life Balance:  I really like my job and the people I work with but my family has always come first. Luckily I have a hubby that is understanding and helpful now.  When the kids were little it wasn’t quite that way. 

  

Guilty pleasure:  Candy Crush – having drinks with friends.

  

Last book you read that you couldn’t quit thinking about: The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls

  

Best family tradition:  Going to Adventureland with my parents and neighbors.  Going to Lake View with my kids and great family friends.

  

Favorite or most-used app:  Candy crush or Facebook

Who’s your celebrity obsession?  There are quite a few but two are older like Sam Elliot, Sean Connery in his younger years, Also, Ashton Kutcher, Matthew McConaughey

What’s your go-to movie? Anything drama like Fast and the Furious or and any love story (kind of sappy).

  

What advice would you give to new parents:  PICK your battles at all times.  Things you might think are important at the time is actually very minor.  Spend time with your kids and GO to their activities but don’t push them into doing them unless they want to.

  

How do you recharge?  Exercising or playing games on my phone.  It helps clear my mind and NOT think about things that are bothering me.

Jace, Jack, Perriann, Joan and Joe

You have communicated your struggles with depression. What would you like to say to others who also struggle? I’ve been going to counseling for years, on and off, more off than on (dumb).  I was hospitalized in my early 20s for depression and now at 46 had a major breakdown in July and was hospitalized for 2 days.  (There’s kind of a funny story about being hospitalized...now it’s funny anyway.)  None of it was fun and I wanted to give up with everything.  I seriously wanted my life to be over, on Monday, July 18^th officially, to take the pain AWAY!  Luckily I kept thinking of my awesome kids, hubby, sisters, brothers, friends and awesome co-workers (my work family.)   The reason I am writing this is I want to remind teenagers and adults as well that life is hard!  Please don’t give up though!!  Each year gets better one way or another but then you might hit 46 and it’s all still not perfect, but if you look back at the awesome kids you’ve created with awesome talents, the awesome husband you need to rely on more and love dearly with amazing talents and cares so much, 10 brothers and sisters that would drop anything to help you along with their kids, my nieces and nephews, as well as awesome in and out laws that always make me feel welcome and would love to help too.  I also have a workplace to go every day that feels or actually is your second family.  Some really GREAT friends, which are WAY too numerous to mention.  I am truly blessed.  I also have an amazing future to look forward to such as  daughter in laws, grandkids, etc.  I don’t have a deathly illness and a lot hasn’t gone my way throughout my life BUT I still try to keep looking forward.  My final and most important point is… suicide isn’t the answer… remember what you have and if you don’t have what you want, find it or fight for it. I keep trying every day.  One other point that I have to make is KEEP going to counseling even when you don’t think you need it anymore. If you have depression – you have depression!!!

Thanks Joan for sharing that very personal story. It's so important to recognize the need to get help in counseling and medication. Like Joan said, "life is hard," but it can also great. Taking care of oneself is the first step in creating a purposeful and rewarding existence.

#badmoms #goodmoms #bestmoms

Every year I'm overcome with jealousy when I see a “Mother of the Year” award and realize all too quickly, I wasn't even considered. What's it take to achieve this coveted prize? How many children must she have? Can she work outside of the home? How attentive to her kids does she really need to be?

Last Thursday night, our local theater hosted a Ladies Night with a showing of Bad Moms. It was a splendid affair with prizes and gifts sponsored by the Harlan Theater and Megan Sorensen of Chloe+Isabel jewelry. My friend Amy and I decided to make a night of it, suffering through a pedicure and meeting other moms for drinks before the movie. It took a took a lull in kids' activities and a small favor from God to make this happen. But it did happen. Moms Night Out.

I won’t lie. It was more fun than a soccer game. The theater roared with belly laughter over the assault of one-liners, terrifically catered to mothers. There’s something deeply satisfying about watching another mom’s messy life, especially when that mom is a ten-ish Mila Kunas who happens to capture the attention of your husband as she brands whiskey barrels.

Not to spoil the movie, but a few of the lines imprinted on me:

• “We're not quitters! Quitters are for dads.”
•  
• “The best thing about a mom party is that it’s over by 11.”
• 
  
• "I love my babies so much. God. They hate me."

And a million more zingers. Really. A million.

Now, for some irony. I like to pride myself on my maternal intuition. Well, it’s either intuition or an unwarranted sense of worry, I’m not sure yet. But on this mom-movie night, as I was laughing it up with my friends, not a bit worried about the whereabouts of my family, something was happening. While I sat drinking my Select 55 at the Westside, I had not noticed texts coming in to me. Especially the one of the tornado next to the soccer field where my son was set to scrimmage. 

I had no inkling he was in danger! So much for my maternal intuition! Did it go haywire? Obviously, guilt doused me as soon as I comprehended the facts. What if he would’ve been killed? While I was in the bar, drinking? What kind of mother am I? Why did I think it was so important to go out with the girls? Did I really need to curl my hair? (Not sure why that question was relevant, but it did go through my mind.)

Bad Mom.

After  the show, I confirmed the safety of my son in the bathroom of another mom's home. Carrying a speck of guilt, we moms continued the party in the spirit the show.  Oh, it got wild. We invaded the man cave. Non-driving moms were doing shotskis. We joked about men's appendages. We passed around our phones, bragging of our cute kids. Then, at the exact same time, we moms stood up, knowing...it was time to go. The clock struck 10:59 p.m. I’m not even kidding.

There’s not a mom I know who doesn’t fret about whether they’re raising their kids right. Should I let her eat Cheetos with its red dye #6 for breakfast? How did I let him watch Family Guy? Did I shout too loudly at the soccer game? The list never ends.

Cole and I were cleaning his room this weekend when I came across a college-ruled paper with some of his scribblings. I began to read it, and instantly my heart transformed from being judgy about his filthy habits to being happy about his goodness. The paper was called, "What My Mother Means to Me." It was beyond sweet and to give you a taste of the theme, he outlined his main points at the top:

1. She listens to my gibberish.
2. She likes to talk to me.

It ended like this: I love my mom. I hope you love yours too.

Are you crying yet?

Good Mom.

A friend and I were discussing how kids can really test their mothers. It's because they know they can. They can forget their homework or poop on the carpet or feed broccoli to the dog. They know we'll still love them. No matter what.

Best Moms.