And Now We Sleep

When I was in college, a million years ago, I remember my mother telling me how she worried less about me in college than when I came home on visits. I would smile, thinking she was only saying that to make her only child feel less guilty about being away. Ha!

The Kramer household has gone through yet another transformation in the last few weeks. Cole has settled down in Iowa City. (Okay, "settled down" isn't quite the right phrase with one disciplinary fine so far.) And Alex has just signed another year-long lease in Denver. We are officially in the empty nest gang. And while my heart hurts when I drive by the school, now acutely unaware of extra-curricular activities, and I long to bitch about the piles of shoes under the dining room table, smelly socks under the couch, dirty dishes on the living room floor, I've come to an important realization. I'm sleeping unbelievably well.

I hate to brag, but I've always been a fairly solid sleeper. When Doug and I were first married we'd crawl into bed and chat about our days as newlyweds do. But within minutes, I'd be responding in gibberish, talking about things like the horses we didn't have. You see, it takes me approximately three minutes to fall asleep after I hit the pillow. Back then, we would joke that when we'd have kids, Doug would need to be the one to get up with them since I fell asleep so quickly. Then we had kids. Mysteriously, Doug began to sleep sound as a pound. And I would awaken upon the slightest creak which was most certainly something that would bring harm to our kids.

Between crying babies, toddler nightmares, sick kids, teenagers going out, teenagers staying in (and having friends over), it's simply not possible to have peaceful sleep for the first 18 years of a child's life.Until, of course, they leave for college.

It didn't happen immediately. The first week, I found myself sitting in bed, stalking Life 360 to see where the new college student was and where he had gone that day. I was also texting our Denver-ite more to fill in the new silent gaps. Our Denver-ite likes to respond to texts well after bedtime, so I was awakening upon the dings just as I had been awakened by those slight creaks all those years ago... In other words, I was not sleeping like that mythical baby. Yet.

Then something happened. I began to bore of stalking Cole. I started calling Alex at sensible times so she couldn't text me in the middle of the night. And Doug and I began planning things. Projects to do. Places to go. Foods to try. Drinks to make. Golf clubs to hack. We were quickly reminded of our early married days. And you know what? Those were really fun days. And the days are beginning to be that fun once again.

Cole was home over Labor Day. We were ecstatic to see him. But it wasn't the worst to see him go back to avoid the worry that comes when he is out with his buddies–just as my mother had said all those years ago. He's not here. Alex isn't here. But they are well. And we can fall into a deep slumber with hardly any worry at all... except for, of course, that annoying, nocturnal bladder.

A New Moon

Cole is one week away from move-in day. Next Sunday we'll drive to our beloved Iowa City to unload his college gear at Hillcrest Dormitory–my old dorm and his big sister's old dorm. Is he ready? Are we ready?

I've noticed a certain maturity in Cole lately. Things like doing laundry without me prompting him, even if he mixes reds with whites. Or getting a replacement license on his own after losing his wallet. (We found this out after his new license came in the mail. In all fairness, he's had plenty of practice at replacing lost ones.) Or, reading books on his own. Sure, it's the Twilight series, but hey, it's reading.

We've somehow managed to celebrate the end of this era. It's almost like the high school graduation season that would never end. Since May there's been a virtual graduation ceremony, a live, socially-distanced ceremony, grad parties with lots of hand sanitizer, an impromptu prom, a last hurrah vacation with some fatherly mooning amidst a beautiful South Dakota backdrop, and a senior soccer sendoff allowing mothers to sport their cool soccer gear at least one more time while watching the boys battle it out with their buds on the field. Despite the pandemic, every single event has been a wonderful tribute to the kids we raised and the friendships they've cultivated.

There's not a parent who doesn't feel a gaping hole when they send their kids out into the world. I still feel that hole with our 23-year-old. But that hole is peppered with excitement about the future. Yes, there's a lot of yuck in the world right now. But I can't help but feel hopeful for our kids. They still see a giant, blank slate in front of them. If anything positive can be taken from this past year, perhaps it's the space and time that came from the screeching halt of activities. I know we all yearn for those activities. But perhaps it allowed some of our kids to do a bit of window gazing and deep thinking, when they weren't playing Clash Royale, of course.

Cole wants to start packing today.  He's also been having some very serious thoughts about the career he wants to pursue. A good sign. He's starting to truly think ahead! But he also wants to watch New Moon with me. Also a good sign. He's still living out some of his tween fantasies. You can't grow up all at once. You shouldn't grow up all at once. Or maybe ever. Perhaps we should all relive our tween fantasies once in a while. That would mean Charlie's Angels for me.

I completely expect to become immersed in nostalgia as soon as we walk through the doors of Cole's new digs and I smell the same weird, stale odor that greeted me in 1987. I clearly remember the blank slate before me. It was exciting, but terrifying. No matter what's happening in the world right now, I know it will be the same for our kids just starting out: a wonderfully, scary time. But more wonderful than scary.

So, ready or not... here we all go.

the evolution of a parent

Right now my oldest child is three hours away at college, fighting influenza A.  I'm texting her instructions to hydrate and alternate between ibuprofen and Tylenol. My instinct is to hop in the car so her mother

Wish I could send her a cat for comfort...

can lay a cold rag on her head and provide comfort. But she has told me to stay put. So I will.

The dynamic of parenting changes throughout the years, but the mysteries and challenges remain. By the time you no longer wake up in the middle of the night to a crying child, you're laying in your bed watching the clock and calculating what time they should walk through the door. Or in the case of a college student, you might  be analyzing the last Snapchat story and hoping she wasn't trying to send you an encrypted cry for help on a photo that merely appears to be the setting of a party.

Anyway, I happened to ask my budding investigative journalist to give me some thoughts on how to be a good parent to a college kid. (I asked last weekend, before she came down with the flu.) Her responses were not only enlightening, but profound. Here's what she said:

• Answer any questions we have for you guys. It's our first time on our own, and this may sound like a given but half the time we're making shit up as we go. We realize how much our parents actually have it together when we have to stumble through the weird, legal lingo of our first lease...
• Care packages go a long way. It doesn't have to be anything big, it could even just be a letter or a picture of the family. Especially in the dorms, getting mail is always a strange pick-me-up. Maybe it's because someone knows where you are when you're in a new place? I don't know, that's a question for a psyche major.
• If you're able, come visit but not too often. I know plenty of friends whose parents can't get away to see their kids and it wears on them (I'm guessing both sides, but I'm not a parent so just guessing). It's comforting to see the people who have your back regardless, but if it's too often, the excitement wears away and independence is lost. It's like training a college kid off of dependence. You can't go cold turkey and throw them in, but you can't coddle them either because then you have a Failure to Launch situation. I think you guys have a good balance despite the fact you email me every other day ;)
• If you do get to visit, BUY THEM GROCERIES. This is the biggest stress relief, seriously.
• Talk to them without judgement. A lot of times we need advice but it's hard to cross over into that world where your parents aren't disciplining you anymore, but you still feel like if you're totally honest you'll get in trouble. Tons of weird situations arise in college that need to be talked about. Idk just be a good parent and help them out so they will talk to you. You feel like a quasi-adult now so you don't want to be dodging/lying to your parents anymore, that's just added unnecessary stress. And it's tiring, you just got through 4 years of it, and college is about moving on.
• Tell them stories about when you were in college, or when you were that age. That's always fun to hear that your parents messed up like you did ;) Evens the playing field. Don't overdo it though.
• From a liberal arts perspective, talk to them about assignments or projects they're proud of. You don't really get any recognition for doing well on specific things anymore but a lot of the work we do is important to us now, more so than high school. It is always the biggest confidence boost to have someone dote on your work for a minute, even if it's your mother and she's incredibly biased.

She signed off by saying:

That's all I've got right now, sorry if that wasn't helpful and please clean it up as much as you feel, I was just spit-balling as this is the first I've looked at my email this weekend lol

Pretty decent spit-balling. I've read this three times already–partly to make myself a list of "do's" and partly because I admire the wisdom of my daughter. Maybe her parents are doing some things right.